just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
