There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
