how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Randomize
