My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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