I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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