seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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