Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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