Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
