Duck Duck Cougar?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
