You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
