she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
