Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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