You can't special order awesome
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
