Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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