you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize