i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
