you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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