I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
