There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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