so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
