the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
