Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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