Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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