My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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