textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
