Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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