I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
