Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
