just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Please don't give away my fajitas
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