Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize