you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
how does that bad decision feel?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
