I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
