For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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