I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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