It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
