why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
