Life is so much better after having sex.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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