Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wanna bring you to show and tell
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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