She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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