sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
