i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
