I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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