i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
