in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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