is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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