I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
