girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
