someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
