After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
