Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize