well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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