I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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