his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
