this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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