Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
