Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
