i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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