i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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