Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
dude. I can hear the air.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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