This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
