I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
