You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
