just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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