Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
