i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dicks are not precious.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
