if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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