I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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