I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
